Grad School

     I've been looking at going back to school sometime soon, maybe even as soon as the fall semester. In addition to figuring out where the heck I want to go, I'm trying to figure out what the heck I want my Master's in which is more important right now than figuring out where I want to get it from. I'm considering Creative Writing, but I'm also looking at Museum Studies, English Literature, History (probably sometime in the European Renaissance), and maybe even Art History. So many choices! I just can't seem to narrow down what I really want to do with my life. It all sounds like so much fun to me. I'd love to spend my days writing short stories or novels, or reading classic literature, or examining Van Gogh paintings for symbolism, or reading about the inner workings of the Catholic Church during the Italian Renaissance. How can I decide which one to pursue? Is there any way to know which one will make me the happiest in the long run? I know that I can always be a lifelong student and continue to get degrees, but grad school is a hefty chunk of cash and if I'm going to invest that kind of money at this stage of my life, I have to seriously consider what it is that I want to do with at least this first part of my life. 

     I feel like lately everything has been one big life decision after another. However, I have to remember:

Damn you iPhone!

     Guys, I have a problem. I am a self-admitted over-communicator when it comes to friends and even more so, boyfriends. My iPhone has only made the problem 1000% worse because I have instant access to Facebook and other social media like that. Friends either ignore a lot of it or laugh it off, but it's usually a different story with boyfriends. That's why I always try and police how much I text (my communication drug of choice) boyfriends, especially new ones which is when the urge is the strongest. While I'm really good at policing how much I actually send, I'm not good at policing how much I check my own phone or even more, how much I wish there was something on that phone when I check it. It doesn't help that at work all day, I need to have my phone close by me so that I can talk to my boss and the other employees. If I didn't, I'd just leave it on silent in my bag for a few hours during the day.
     It's always a challenge to feel out a new relationship, and as good as this one is, there's still a transition period. I've been doing really well in this one about not texting too often, and better than normal with how much I check my phone. In some ways, I'm enjoying fewer texts, as they leave more time for me in my own day where I can focus on what I'm doing. The key for me is stop second-guessing the reasons behind the fewer texts and take them at face value. I'm still having leftover trust issues from the last relationship and in my mind, lots of messages has always equaled thinking of only you. That's just not the case and that's something I need to remind myself of every day. I've had cheating exes who texted me constantly, including while they were with the other girl! If your guy isn't texting you, it's because he's sleeping or working or eating or playing with his dogs or skating (usually this is what my guy is up to) or with his friends or cooking food or just not checking his phone every 2.5 seconds like you.
    I just have to remind myself of this and put the phone down. It'll be better for the relationship and ultimately better for myself and my own self-reliance, not to mention sanity. Just put the iPhone down Alex.

Changing Plans

     Life's a funny thing. You think you've got it all figured out and all your plans made when suddenly, everything changes. In this case, it's something really good, but it doesn't make my life any easier. You see, I met this guy, the guy I've previously gushed about. This guy, he's just great and things are just easy. He's handsome and funny and smart and he thinks I'm something special. You guys, I had my plans made, my boxes packed, and my heart set aside until I got to Minnesota. And now, here's this guy, upsetting everything, making me like him with his kindness and his humor and his lopsided smile. My heart is reeling with confusion and delight and worry.
     You see, we're good together. We just work in spite of all our differences in politics, and religion, and past experiences. He doesn't see me as broken, or damaged, or screwed up. I don't see him for the mistakes he's made. We both have our pasts but they don't matter, not at all. There's a lightness of being when we're together and I feel like I'm holding onto it with both hands.
     So what do I do? Do I go to Minnesota like I planned or do I keep holding on to this great relationship, even if it's just starting out? I know that Minnesota isn't going anywhere, and I can always go at a later date, but I feel like I'm at a crossroads of sorts. I'm sick of living in limbo. I need to make a decision and get busy living with it whether it be here or halfway across the country. I feel like I already  know what I'm going to do, but I don't know if it's the right thing. I don't want to throw this new relationship away in spite of all the things that could go wrong. But is this the right call? Should I give up one dream, living in Minnesota, for another, a wonderful, happy, healthy relationship?

     I really wish I had the answer to this one guys.

Little Things

     Guys, I have horrible anxiety, like just awful. My anxiety attacks start with nausea, follow up with an insatiable urge to scratch different parts of my bare skin until they bleed (attractive I know), then proceed to hyperventilation and often tears. The worst part is that it doesn't take much to set them off. More often then not, I wake up with a kind of sick feeling and by the time I'm driving to work, I'm in full on anxiety attack mode.

     So, the point of this post was not to tell you about my screwiness, but about my favorite thing to do when I'm post-anxiety attack and looking for a way to calm myself down (nothing helps during). This is also a good thing to do if you're having an especially crummy day or just need a pick me up. I make myself a cup of tea, grab a piece of candy (usually chocolate) and make a list in my head of all the little things in my life that make me happy. Here's my list for today:

1. Flirty text messages with this fellow I'm crushing on

2. Teaching myself something new without bragging to the whole world about it (I'd tell you what I'm currently learning to do, but that would defeat the whole purpose)

3. Puppy kisses

4. Ex-boyfriends growing truly hideous facial hair (I'm talking pedophile status mustache here) that makes me laugh

5. Spaghetti marinara with extra parmesan cheese for lunch

6. Solving a problem at work that was really weighing me down 

     It's a little list and it's a simple list, but these are the 6 things that are making my day a little bit brighter in spite of my anxiety. 

Trust

Note: This all comes from the perspective of someone who was lied to and cheated on by their significant other, NOT the point of view of liar/cheater. There's a different story to be told there.

     With time comes clarity and with clarity comes some uncomfortable truths about previous relationships. Probably the most uncomfortable truth of all comes in the form of trust. You had a relationship with someone to whom you gave your heart and soul, you presumed they did the same, and hell maybe they actually did. At some point, they cheated. They cheated, they lied, and you and your heart got screwed. The relationship ended. Now, you're trying to forge ahead with your life and you're left facing one cold hard fact: you didn't know this person as well as you thought.
     Whether it took 5 months or 5 years, at some point in the relationship you were sure you had the other person all figured out, backwards and forwards, left and right, up and down. You started to take things for granted, like faithfulness and honesty, not because you didn't appreciate these qualities in your lover, but because you assumed they would always be there because you thought you knew them. Oh he'd never cheat on me, he's too good of a person for that. She'd never lie about that, she respects me more than that. Then of course, it all goes to hell, and the person reveals themselves to be not what you thought.
     How do you move on, not from the relationship itself, but from the idea that this person you thought you knew so well, did things you could never conceive of them doing? Even more importantly, how do you trust someone new? You thought you knew this lover so well and it turns out you didn't. Who's to say that the next one will be any different?
     Want to know a secret? I don't have a good answer. The only way to trust someone new, is to let yourself... to believe that this person will be different and remind yourself not to lug your towering pile of trust issues through the front door with you every time you see them. As they say, "don't blame a new love for things an old one did" or as Will Smith so poetically puts it "ain't no pain like from the opposite sex, just remember son, don't take it out on the next".
     It's hard to trust again after heartbreak. It's immensely hard, but it's something that you have to do. Being open to heartbreak means being open to love and if you've chosen the new person with care and good sense, maybe this time, they won't let you down.

Baggage

     I had a date last night, and man, what a great date it was. In the interest of privacy, I won't go into much more detail but suffice it to say it was one of the best first dates I've ever been on. What made it so great (in addition of course to his amazing personality, good looks, humor, and the rampant chemistry)? NO BAGGAGE. I feel like the past year and a half was just a constant rehashing of drama and baggage and old news that I'd been through before so many times.
     This guy and I knew each other in high school, but we weren't friends at all really, more like friendly acquaintances. I can be honest with him about my past, but there's nothing in it having to do with him. He's a totally blank page and our "history" with each other is basically a blank page too with a few minor bullet points that only make for something to talk about. No one is hurting or holding grudges or remembering past mistakes.
     Obviously all of this is a big duh for people who never go back to exes and never date friends of ex-lovers or any of that. Sadly, I've always been one of those people who goes back to exes and dates groups of friends. This is different for me. This is such a great different for me. Driving to work today, I had the biggest grin on my face. The grin came from two places, first, the excitement of meeting and spending time with someone who makes you happy, and second, the happiness that comes from knowing that you aren't your past and you aren't the mistakes you've made.

Big Changes

     I had a feeling that 2013 would be a year of big changes, and it hasn't proven me wrong yet. In the 21 days since the new year started, I have:

- broken up with my boyfriend

- moved out of the apartment we shared

- moved back home with my parents

- decided I am moving to Minnesota in June

That's a lot of moving on, moving out, and moving away.

     The boyfriend, well ex-boyfriend now, and I broke up for a hundred different reasons. The main ones? He told me for a year and 3 months that he would move to Minnesota with me. He told me 4 days before Christmas, that he had changed his mind and that if we wanted to stay together, I would have to stay in my teeny-tiny hometown. A week into the new year, after I told him that I would stay with him in our hometown, he told me that he was moving into his Grandma's old (crappy, crummy, disgusting, with NO HEAT) house and that if I wanted to live with him, I had to move in to. Or we could live separately and "still date". I countered that by telling him if I agreed to move in there, I wanted to do it as his fiancee. 

     Long story short, there is no ring on my finger. The sad truth is, he didn't want to marry me. Hell, he didn't want to date me anymore, which must be blatantly obvious to you after reading all of the above, but was sadly not so obvious to me. The thing is, he was just not that into me. Oof. It hurts me still, just to read that sentence. And the thing is, I really miss him. Not the lover side of him, which frankly wasn't that great to start with, but the friend side of him. In the past 21 days, I've lost my lover and my best friend. 

     The other decisions come from that one. I'm moving out and moving home because I obviously am not going to live with him, and I'd like to save some money before I make the big move to MN, which I'm apparently making alone. Alone. ALONE.

     It's still sinking in.