Changing Plans

     Life's a funny thing. You think you've got it all figured out and all your plans made when suddenly, everything changes. In this case, it's something really good, but it doesn't make my life any easier. You see, I met this guy, the guy I've previously gushed about. This guy, he's just great and things are just easy. He's handsome and funny and smart and he thinks I'm something special. You guys, I had my plans made, my boxes packed, and my heart set aside until I got to Minnesota. And now, here's this guy, upsetting everything, making me like him with his kindness and his humor and his lopsided smile. My heart is reeling with confusion and delight and worry.
     You see, we're good together. We just work in spite of all our differences in politics, and religion, and past experiences. He doesn't see me as broken, or damaged, or screwed up. I don't see him for the mistakes he's made. We both have our pasts but they don't matter, not at all. There's a lightness of being when we're together and I feel like I'm holding onto it with both hands.
     So what do I do? Do I go to Minnesota like I planned or do I keep holding on to this great relationship, even if it's just starting out? I know that Minnesota isn't going anywhere, and I can always go at a later date, but I feel like I'm at a crossroads of sorts. I'm sick of living in limbo. I need to make a decision and get busy living with it whether it be here or halfway across the country. I feel like I already  know what I'm going to do, but I don't know if it's the right thing. I don't want to throw this new relationship away in spite of all the things that could go wrong. But is this the right call? Should I give up one dream, living in Minnesota, for another, a wonderful, happy, healthy relationship?

     I really wish I had the answer to this one guys.

Little Things

     Guys, I have horrible anxiety, like just awful. My anxiety attacks start with nausea, follow up with an insatiable urge to scratch different parts of my bare skin until they bleed (attractive I know), then proceed to hyperventilation and often tears. The worst part is that it doesn't take much to set them off. More often then not, I wake up with a kind of sick feeling and by the time I'm driving to work, I'm in full on anxiety attack mode.

     So, the point of this post was not to tell you about my screwiness, but about my favorite thing to do when I'm post-anxiety attack and looking for a way to calm myself down (nothing helps during). This is also a good thing to do if you're having an especially crummy day or just need a pick me up. I make myself a cup of tea, grab a piece of candy (usually chocolate) and make a list in my head of all the little things in my life that make me happy. Here's my list for today:

1. Flirty text messages with this fellow I'm crushing on

2. Teaching myself something new without bragging to the whole world about it (I'd tell you what I'm currently learning to do, but that would defeat the whole purpose)

3. Puppy kisses

4. Ex-boyfriends growing truly hideous facial hair (I'm talking pedophile status mustache here) that makes me laugh

5. Spaghetti marinara with extra parmesan cheese for lunch

6. Solving a problem at work that was really weighing me down 

     It's a little list and it's a simple list, but these are the 6 things that are making my day a little bit brighter in spite of my anxiety. 

Trust

Note: This all comes from the perspective of someone who was lied to and cheated on by their significant other, NOT the point of view of liar/cheater. There's a different story to be told there.

     With time comes clarity and with clarity comes some uncomfortable truths about previous relationships. Probably the most uncomfortable truth of all comes in the form of trust. You had a relationship with someone to whom you gave your heart and soul, you presumed they did the same, and hell maybe they actually did. At some point, they cheated. They cheated, they lied, and you and your heart got screwed. The relationship ended. Now, you're trying to forge ahead with your life and you're left facing one cold hard fact: you didn't know this person as well as you thought.
     Whether it took 5 months or 5 years, at some point in the relationship you were sure you had the other person all figured out, backwards and forwards, left and right, up and down. You started to take things for granted, like faithfulness and honesty, not because you didn't appreciate these qualities in your lover, but because you assumed they would always be there because you thought you knew them. Oh he'd never cheat on me, he's too good of a person for that. She'd never lie about that, she respects me more than that. Then of course, it all goes to hell, and the person reveals themselves to be not what you thought.
     How do you move on, not from the relationship itself, but from the idea that this person you thought you knew so well, did things you could never conceive of them doing? Even more importantly, how do you trust someone new? You thought you knew this lover so well and it turns out you didn't. Who's to say that the next one will be any different?
     Want to know a secret? I don't have a good answer. The only way to trust someone new, is to let yourself... to believe that this person will be different and remind yourself not to lug your towering pile of trust issues through the front door with you every time you see them. As they say, "don't blame a new love for things an old one did" or as Will Smith so poetically puts it "ain't no pain like from the opposite sex, just remember son, don't take it out on the next".
     It's hard to trust again after heartbreak. It's immensely hard, but it's something that you have to do. Being open to heartbreak means being open to love and if you've chosen the new person with care and good sense, maybe this time, they won't let you down.