Life's a funny thing. You think you've got it all figured out and all your plans made when suddenly, everything changes. In this case, it's something really good, but it doesn't make my life any easier. You see, I met this guy, the guy I've previously gushed about. This guy, he's just great and things are just easy. He's handsome and funny and smart and he thinks I'm something special. You guys, I had my plans made, my boxes packed, and my heart set aside until I got to Minnesota. And now, here's this guy, upsetting everything, making me like him with his kindness and his humor and his lopsided smile. My heart is reeling with confusion and delight and worry.
You see, we're good together. We just work in spite of all our differences in politics, and religion, and past experiences. He doesn't see me as broken, or damaged, or screwed up. I don't see him for the mistakes he's made. We both have our pasts but they don't matter, not at all. There's a lightness of being when we're together and I feel like I'm holding onto it with both hands.
So what do I do? Do I go to Minnesota like I planned or do I keep holding on to this great relationship, even if it's just starting out? I know that Minnesota isn't going anywhere, and I can always go at a later date, but I feel like I'm at a crossroads of sorts. I'm sick of living in limbo. I need to make a decision and get busy living with it whether it be here or halfway across the country. I feel like I already know what I'm going to do, but I don't know if it's the right thing. I don't want to throw this new relationship away in spite of all the things that could go wrong. But is this the right call? Should I give up one dream, living in Minnesota, for another, a wonderful, happy, healthy relationship?
I really wish I had the answer to this one guys.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Little Things
Guys, I have horrible anxiety, like just awful. My anxiety attacks start with nausea, follow up with an insatiable urge to scratch different parts of my bare skin until they bleed (attractive I know), then proceed to hyperventilation and often tears. The worst part is that it doesn't take much to set them off. More often then not, I wake up with a kind of sick feeling and by the time I'm driving to work, I'm in full on anxiety attack mode.
So, the point of this post was not to tell you about my screwiness, but about my favorite thing to do when I'm post-anxiety attack and looking for a way to calm myself down (nothing helps during). This is also a good thing to do if you're having an especially crummy day or just need a pick me up. I make myself a cup of tea, grab a piece of candy (usually chocolate) and make a list in my head of all the little things in my life that make me happy. Here's my list for today:
1. Flirty text messages with this fellow I'm crushing on
2. Teaching myself something new without bragging to the whole world about it (I'd tell you what I'm currently learning to do, but that would defeat the whole purpose)
3. Puppy kisses
4. Ex-boyfriends growing truly hideous facial hair (I'm talking pedophile status mustache here) that makes me laugh
5. Spaghetti marinara with extra parmesan cheese for lunch
6. Solving a problem at work that was really weighing me down
It's a little list and it's a simple list, but these are the 6 things that are making my day a little bit brighter in spite of my anxiety.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Trust
Note: This all comes from the perspective of someone who was lied to and cheated on by their significant other, NOT the point of view of liar/cheater. There's a different story to be told there.
With time comes clarity and with clarity comes some uncomfortable truths about previous relationships. Probably the most uncomfortable truth of all comes in the form of trust. You had a relationship with someone to whom you gave your heart and soul, you presumed they did the same, and hell maybe they actually did. At some point, they cheated. They cheated, they lied, and you and your heart got screwed. The relationship ended. Now, you're trying to forge ahead with your life and you're left facing one cold hard fact: you didn't know this person as well as you thought.
Whether it took 5 months or 5 years, at some point in the relationship you were sure you had the other person all figured out, backwards and forwards, left and right, up and down. You started to take things for granted, like faithfulness and honesty, not because you didn't appreciate these qualities in your lover, but because you assumed they would always be there because you thought you knew them. Oh he'd never cheat on me, he's too good of a person for that. She'd never lie about that, she respects me more than that. Then of course, it all goes to hell, and the person reveals themselves to be not what you thought.
How do you move on, not from the relationship itself, but from the idea that this person you thought you knew so well, did things you could never conceive of them doing? Even more importantly, how do you trust someone new? You thought you knew this lover so well and it turns out you didn't. Who's to say that the next one will be any different?
Want to know a secret? I don't have a good answer. The only way to trust someone new, is to let yourself... to believe that this person will be different and remind yourself not to lug your towering pile of trust issues through the front door with you every time you see them. As they say, "don't blame a new love for things an old one did" or as Will Smith so poetically puts it "ain't no pain like from the opposite sex, just remember son, don't take it out on the next".
It's hard to trust again after heartbreak. It's immensely hard, but it's something that you have to do. Being open to heartbreak means being open to love and if you've chosen the new person with care and good sense, maybe this time, they won't let you down.
With time comes clarity and with clarity comes some uncomfortable truths about previous relationships. Probably the most uncomfortable truth of all comes in the form of trust. You had a relationship with someone to whom you gave your heart and soul, you presumed they did the same, and hell maybe they actually did. At some point, they cheated. They cheated, they lied, and you and your heart got screwed. The relationship ended. Now, you're trying to forge ahead with your life and you're left facing one cold hard fact: you didn't know this person as well as you thought.
Whether it took 5 months or 5 years, at some point in the relationship you were sure you had the other person all figured out, backwards and forwards, left and right, up and down. You started to take things for granted, like faithfulness and honesty, not because you didn't appreciate these qualities in your lover, but because you assumed they would always be there because you thought you knew them. Oh he'd never cheat on me, he's too good of a person for that. She'd never lie about that, she respects me more than that. Then of course, it all goes to hell, and the person reveals themselves to be not what you thought.
How do you move on, not from the relationship itself, but from the idea that this person you thought you knew so well, did things you could never conceive of them doing? Even more importantly, how do you trust someone new? You thought you knew this lover so well and it turns out you didn't. Who's to say that the next one will be any different?
Want to know a secret? I don't have a good answer. The only way to trust someone new, is to let yourself... to believe that this person will be different and remind yourself not to lug your towering pile of trust issues through the front door with you every time you see them. As they say, "don't blame a new love for things an old one did" or as Will Smith so poetically puts it "ain't no pain like from the opposite sex, just remember son, don't take it out on the next".
It's hard to trust again after heartbreak. It's immensely hard, but it's something that you have to do. Being open to heartbreak means being open to love and if you've chosen the new person with care and good sense, maybe this time, they won't let you down.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Baggage
I had a date last night, and man, what a great date it was. In the interest of privacy, I won't go into much more detail but suffice it to say it was one of the best first dates I've ever been on. What made it so great (in addition of course to his amazing personality, good looks, humor, and the rampant chemistry)? NO BAGGAGE. I feel like the past year and a half was just a constant rehashing of drama and baggage and old news that I'd been through before so many times.
This guy and I knew each other in high school, but we weren't friends at all really, more like friendly acquaintances. I can be honest with him about my past, but there's nothing in it having to do with him. He's a totally blank page and our "history" with each other is basically a blank page too with a few minor bullet points that only make for something to talk about. No one is hurting or holding grudges or remembering past mistakes.
Obviously all of this is a big duh for people who never go back to exes and never date friends of ex-lovers or any of that. Sadly, I've always been one of those people who goes back to exes and dates groups of friends. This is different for me. This is such a great different for me. Driving to work today, I had the biggest grin on my face. The grin came from two places, first, the excitement of meeting and spending time with someone who makes you happy, and second, the happiness that comes from knowing that you aren't your past and you aren't the mistakes you've made.
This guy and I knew each other in high school, but we weren't friends at all really, more like friendly acquaintances. I can be honest with him about my past, but there's nothing in it having to do with him. He's a totally blank page and our "history" with each other is basically a blank page too with a few minor bullet points that only make for something to talk about. No one is hurting or holding grudges or remembering past mistakes.
Obviously all of this is a big duh for people who never go back to exes and never date friends of ex-lovers or any of that. Sadly, I've always been one of those people who goes back to exes and dates groups of friends. This is different for me. This is such a great different for me. Driving to work today, I had the biggest grin on my face. The grin came from two places, first, the excitement of meeting and spending time with someone who makes you happy, and second, the happiness that comes from knowing that you aren't your past and you aren't the mistakes you've made.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Big Changes
I had a feeling that 2013 would be a year of big changes, and it hasn't proven me wrong yet. In the 21 days since the new year started, I have:
- broken up with my boyfriend
- moved out of the apartment we shared
- moved back home with my parents
- decided I am moving to Minnesota in June
That's a lot of moving on, moving out, and moving away.
The boyfriend, well ex-boyfriend now, and I broke up for a hundred different reasons. The main ones? He told me for a year and 3 months that he would move to Minnesota with me. He told me 4 days before Christmas, that he had changed his mind and that if we wanted to stay together, I would have to stay in my teeny-tiny hometown. A week into the new year, after I told him that I would stay with him in our hometown, he told me that he was moving into his Grandma's old (crappy, crummy, disgusting, with NO HEAT) house and that if I wanted to live with him, I had to move in to. Or we could live separately and "still date". I countered that by telling him if I agreed to move in there, I wanted to do it as his fiancee.
Long story short, there is no ring on my finger. The sad truth is, he didn't want to marry me. Hell, he didn't want to date me anymore, which must be blatantly obvious to you after reading all of the above, but was sadly not so obvious to me. The thing is, he was just not that into me. Oof. It hurts me still, just to read that sentence. And the thing is, I really miss him. Not the lover side of him, which frankly wasn't that great to start with, but the friend side of him. In the past 21 days, I've lost my lover and my best friend.
The other decisions come from that one. I'm moving out and moving home because I obviously am not going to live with him, and I'd like to save some money before I make the big move to MN, which I'm apparently making alone. Alone. ALONE.
It's still sinking in.
It's still sinking in.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Remembrances and Resolutions
So today I'm both reflecting on the notable highlights from my past year, and compiling a list of resolutions for 2013. First, the fun of 2012:
1. GISHWHES.
If you don't know who Misha Collins is, please google him immediately then fall deeply in love with those bluest of blue eyes. Ahem. Allow me to interrupt your drooling for a second. In addition to be an incredible looking fellow and a good actor, he is also a decent human being. He created a charity called Random Acts of Kindness which encourages people to commit random acts of kindness in their own communities. The charity at large, raises money so they can go commit larger acts of kindness, like building houses for people in Haiti, still dealing with the fallout from the hurricane several years ago. He also is Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. And that's where we get to GISHWHES. GISHWHES stands for Greatest International Scavenger Hunt the World Has Ever Seen, and this year, along with the boyfriend, one of my closest girl friends, her husband and extended family, and some random Scots and a Spaniard, I partook. GISHWHES' motto is "Death to Normalcy!" with a second emphasis on finding art in everyday life, and a third emphasis on random acts of kindness. A selection of the random things I did: made a pledge to commit a random act of kindness before the end of 2012, made a Jello snow angel on my kitchen floor, made an outfit made out of 21 different pieces of material and stood at "attention" outside the local post office, dressed up in only kitchen items and had a mock kitchen gear battle with my girl friend Drea, and perhaps my favorite, wore a dress made entirely of cheese and posed in front of a 1979 Lotus.
GISHWHES was an utterly fabulous experience. It brought me out of my shell to a greater extent than I have been in a long time, and reminded me just how little I care what people think. I highly recommend participating in GISHWHES to everyone. And oh yeah, did I mention that the winning team gets a 3 night trip to Scotland to stay in a haunted castle with the inestimable Misha? My team didn't win (grrr...) but I have high hopes for next year.
2. The Tinsel Triathlon.
I ran cross country and track in high school. My dad is a outside sales rep for a major bike company. When I was little I took swimming lessons, and was on the local swim team in middle school. So how is it that I never did a triathlon before this year? I finally changed that this month. I ran 3.1 miles, then biked 12 miles, then swam 150 meters. It only took me an hour and 21 minutes, and I was tenth in my age group and 383rd overall (out of about 800).
Will I ever do another one? Hell yes! I have caught the tri bug now. I got such a sense of accomplishment from finishing this one, that I can't wait for my next one!
3. No Car Accidents.
Yes indeed, this year there were ZERO car accidents for Alex which is a marked improvement over previous years. Perhaps I've finally become the sort of driver that my parents always dreamed I would be.
4. Formula Ford Race.
The boyfriend races Formula Ford race cars and this year, November actually, marked the first time that he's raced since we've been together. I have a lot of misgivings about the whole racing thing, mostly because of the danger involved (shudder) but also because of the pile of money that he drops every time he goes to the track. However, I sucked those up and rode out with his family to Desert Center, CA (we stayed in Palm Desert, near Palm Springs) and watched my fellow race. Well, he's pretty good. Pretty damn good. He won both days and set a new track record for his type of car. I had a lot more fun than I thought I would, partially because of the people he pits with and partially because it's always fun to see someone you love kick some serious butt.
5. My Family.
I have the greatest family ever, both extended (see experience 6) and immediate. It's just my mom, my dad, and me in my immediate family but I can't imagine anything different. My mom is my best friend on the planet and my dad couldn't be a better father. They make every year awesome, and 2012 was no exception.
6. The Annual Minnesota Vacation.
In 2011, we didn't go back to see our extended family in Minnesota, mostly because I couldn't get the time off work. I took 10 days off in late August/early September and we escaped to the beloved homeland. My cousins kick butt, you guys. Especially my cousin who is a year or so younger than me. She absolutely rocks. I have no siblings, so having a cousin that's almost a sister is bliss.
Minnesota itself? Brilliant. Make all the jokes you want (and don't you dare say Minn-e-soo-ta in that hateful way), but it's a pretty forward thinking place. Just this past year, they struck down two laws, one of which would make same-sex marriage illegal and one that would require I.D. when voting. They are way into progressive thinking out there. It's also gorgeous x10,000 and Minneapolis/St. Paul has a pretty fly music/art/theatre scene.
7. Supernatural Con.
My best girl friend, her sister-in-law, and her nieces, all of whom I also did GISHWHES with, and I went to Dallas for a Supernatural Convention. Yup, the show Supernatural. I'm a little bit obsessed, especially with the older seasons, and we had an awesome weekend full of booze and dishy men. I got to put my arm around Mark Sheppard (Firefly, Warehouse 13, Doctor Who, and of course Supernatural) and Sebastian Roche (yum yum!). I met Mark Pellegrino (who told me I was "really pretty") and had a drink with Richard Speight Jr. (Band of Brothers anyone?). Misha Collins couldn't make it because his wife was having a baby (pssshhh...) but other than that, the weekend was pure perfection.
8. Learning to Sew.
So for Christmas, my mom got me a sewing machine. You guys, I'm already sewing up a storm. It may make me sound like Ma Ingalls (Little House book series anyone?) but I can't wait to start making clothes for myself.
Resolutions for 2013:
1. Take more photos.
I don't have nearly enough photos of 2012.
2. Run a half-marathon.
I already signed up for one on May 5th.
3. Get healthier.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't have a real issue with how much I weigh, but I do need to start eating less crap food. You get out of your body what you put in.
4. Blog more.
5. Write more.
I want to finish my novel that I've started and I want to submit some of my writing for publication.
Happy New Year (almost) everyone!
1. GISHWHES.
If you don't know who Misha Collins is, please google him immediately then fall deeply in love with those bluest of blue eyes. Ahem. Allow me to interrupt your drooling for a second. In addition to be an incredible looking fellow and a good actor, he is also a decent human being. He created a charity called Random Acts of Kindness which encourages people to commit random acts of kindness in their own communities. The charity at large, raises money so they can go commit larger acts of kindness, like building houses for people in Haiti, still dealing with the fallout from the hurricane several years ago. He also is Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. And that's where we get to GISHWHES. GISHWHES stands for Greatest International Scavenger Hunt the World Has Ever Seen, and this year, along with the boyfriend, one of my closest girl friends, her husband and extended family, and some random Scots and a Spaniard, I partook. GISHWHES' motto is "Death to Normalcy!" with a second emphasis on finding art in everyday life, and a third emphasis on random acts of kindness. A selection of the random things I did: made a pledge to commit a random act of kindness before the end of 2012, made a Jello snow angel on my kitchen floor, made an outfit made out of 21 different pieces of material and stood at "attention" outside the local post office, dressed up in only kitchen items and had a mock kitchen gear battle with my girl friend Drea, and perhaps my favorite, wore a dress made entirely of cheese and posed in front of a 1979 Lotus.
GISHWHES was an utterly fabulous experience. It brought me out of my shell to a greater extent than I have been in a long time, and reminded me just how little I care what people think. I highly recommend participating in GISHWHES to everyone. And oh yeah, did I mention that the winning team gets a 3 night trip to Scotland to stay in a haunted castle with the inestimable Misha? My team didn't win (grrr...) but I have high hopes for next year.
2. The Tinsel Triathlon.
I ran cross country and track in high school. My dad is a outside sales rep for a major bike company. When I was little I took swimming lessons, and was on the local swim team in middle school. So how is it that I never did a triathlon before this year? I finally changed that this month. I ran 3.1 miles, then biked 12 miles, then swam 150 meters. It only took me an hour and 21 minutes, and I was tenth in my age group and 383rd overall (out of about 800).
Will I ever do another one? Hell yes! I have caught the tri bug now. I got such a sense of accomplishment from finishing this one, that I can't wait for my next one!
3. No Car Accidents.
Yes indeed, this year there were ZERO car accidents for Alex which is a marked improvement over previous years. Perhaps I've finally become the sort of driver that my parents always dreamed I would be.
4. Formula Ford Race.
The boyfriend races Formula Ford race cars and this year, November actually, marked the first time that he's raced since we've been together. I have a lot of misgivings about the whole racing thing, mostly because of the danger involved (shudder) but also because of the pile of money that he drops every time he goes to the track. However, I sucked those up and rode out with his family to Desert Center, CA (we stayed in Palm Desert, near Palm Springs) and watched my fellow race. Well, he's pretty good. Pretty damn good. He won both days and set a new track record for his type of car. I had a lot more fun than I thought I would, partially because of the people he pits with and partially because it's always fun to see someone you love kick some serious butt.
5. My Family.
I have the greatest family ever, both extended (see experience 6) and immediate. It's just my mom, my dad, and me in my immediate family but I can't imagine anything different. My mom is my best friend on the planet and my dad couldn't be a better father. They make every year awesome, and 2012 was no exception.
6. The Annual Minnesota Vacation.
In 2011, we didn't go back to see our extended family in Minnesota, mostly because I couldn't get the time off work. I took 10 days off in late August/early September and we escaped to the beloved homeland. My cousins kick butt, you guys. Especially my cousin who is a year or so younger than me. She absolutely rocks. I have no siblings, so having a cousin that's almost a sister is bliss.
Minnesota itself? Brilliant. Make all the jokes you want (and don't you dare say Minn-e-soo-ta in that hateful way), but it's a pretty forward thinking place. Just this past year, they struck down two laws, one of which would make same-sex marriage illegal and one that would require I.D. when voting. They are way into progressive thinking out there. It's also gorgeous x10,000 and Minneapolis/St. Paul has a pretty fly music/art/theatre scene.
7. Supernatural Con.
My best girl friend, her sister-in-law, and her nieces, all of whom I also did GISHWHES with, and I went to Dallas for a Supernatural Convention. Yup, the show Supernatural. I'm a little bit obsessed, especially with the older seasons, and we had an awesome weekend full of booze and dishy men. I got to put my arm around Mark Sheppard (Firefly, Warehouse 13, Doctor Who, and of course Supernatural) and Sebastian Roche (yum yum!). I met Mark Pellegrino (who told me I was "really pretty") and had a drink with Richard Speight Jr. (Band of Brothers anyone?). Misha Collins couldn't make it because his wife was having a baby (pssshhh...) but other than that, the weekend was pure perfection.
8. Learning to Sew.
So for Christmas, my mom got me a sewing machine. You guys, I'm already sewing up a storm. It may make me sound like Ma Ingalls (Little House book series anyone?) but I can't wait to start making clothes for myself.
Resolutions for 2013:
1. Take more photos.
I don't have nearly enough photos of 2012.
2. Run a half-marathon.
I already signed up for one on May 5th.
3. Get healthier.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't have a real issue with how much I weigh, but I do need to start eating less crap food. You get out of your body what you put in.
4. Blog more.
5. Write more.
I want to finish my novel that I've started and I want to submit some of my writing for publication.
Happy New Year (almost) everyone!
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Legends in Our Own Minds
We all think we’re the heroes of our own stories. Some of us even think we’re the heroes of everyone else’s too. Regardless, we inherently see things from our own perspective. It’s like the age old joke about the actor who is cast as the gravedigger in Hamlet. He tells his wife that he got the role and she asks “What’s it about?”. He replies, “It’s about a gravedigger who meets a prince.”
It’s human nature to focus on oneself, there’s no denying that. But what if we aren’t the hero of our own story at all? What if we’re the villain? What if the reader sees us, not as the plucky, though morally loose heroine, but instead as the scheming slut who seduces men, uses, then discards them? What if instead of the still hopelessly, sweetly lovelorn ex-fiancé, we’re the psychotic stalker, set on ruining life for the poor new lover? What if we aren’t the bold, brave hero striking off into the wilderness, hoping to “connect” with nature, but the dummy who gets lost in the woods and needs a rescue team to get him out?
You shouldn’t ever worry about how others may see you or your actions, and that’s certainly not the point I’m trying to make with the post. With that being said, however, perhaps if we do or say something that gives us pause and makes us wonder what others might think, there might be a reason for that momentary hesitation. While the opinions of others shouldn’t consume us, when it comes to decision making, the reactions we expect from others can often be a good gauge of whether we ourselves are making a decision that may or may not come back to bite us! Hopefully this quick skip in our confidence can make us stop, even just for a second, and reevaluate what exactly we’re doing, and either reconsider our course of action or forge boldly ahead!
Warning: the next paragraph is somewhat of a rant about fiction writing and should be taken with a grain of salt and a sense of humor, or otherwise ignored.
On another totally related note, this consideration should also be used in creative writing. I’ve read far too many amateur pieces where you are expected to feel camaraderie or sympathy with a main character who is utterly unlovable. Just because the experiences and reactions may have been true to life does not mean they need to be recreated verbatim in your creative fiction. Those hookups that may have seemed so cool when you were in them? Well, they really make your leading lady look a *ahem* eager to please. Keep them in if that’s what your going for, but if not, use that handy pause that our consideration of the opinions of society gives us, and maybe consider a rewrite.
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