wedding bells!

         The wedding bells have been ringing all around me lately! One friend was married in the fall, another is getting married later this week, and two more are getting married in the next two months! I'm trying to be in the wedding spirit, but I must admit to being a little shocked that they're all getting married so young! I'm twenty-two and I while the fellow and I have discussed marriage, engagements, etc., I'm not so sure I'm ready yet, particularly since we already live together. About a year ago, before the fellow and I reconnected, I wrote a short essay for my writing group entitled "The ONE". I'm putting it up here. It's very tongue in cheek so it should be read with a sense of humor!

The ONE

It seems like everyONE finds the ONE at the same time. So when is it my turn to find the ONE with everyONE else? What if there is no ONE? No ONE person for me, literally no ONE to be my ONE. EveryONE and their ONE are out looking at engagement rings and picking out colors. If not this, then merely delighting in being with the ONE they love. People who said they never cared about finding the ONE, much less marrying the ONE if he/she could be found are tasting cakes and sending me gushing text messages about bridesmaid dresses. Even those ONES who stick to their scruples and are opting for the increasingly traditional, non-legally binding commitment of living together forever have found the ONE and are sure that no ONE will ever separate them from their ONE. The ONE person they are supposed to spend forever with.

How is it that I feel like an old maid at twenty-two?

ONE friend who recently found the ONE told me that I should request the ONE from the universe, as if I am in a restaurant and the universe is the short order cook. “Hello. I’d like ONE vegan with blue eyes and a dazzling smile, extra brains, hold the immaturity, with a side of commitment please.” Yeah right. I’ve tried it. I’ve lain there at night in bed and said, “Please. I am ready to find the ONE. You know what I want. Please send him now.” When the ONE did not magically arrive, I lamented to the friend. The friend insisted that I was not being specific enough.

Patty Stanger is the Millionaire Matchmaker. She insists that she has an eye for the right chemistry and is an expert at helping people find the ONE. She gives advice to her clients telling them to make a list of five non-negotiables. Alright Patty, you’re on.

1. Brains. I am a snob. I admit it. I want the ONE to have brains out the you-know-what. The ONE would be college-educated in both something that makes a lot of money and something that interests me. The ONE would be an engineer who makes piles of cash by day, but who has his masters in art as well. The ONE would have the cash to fly me to the Lourve and then be able to wax poetic about all the Italian Renaissance paintings in the place.
2. Babies. I hate babies. I hate what babies turn into (toddlers). I hate the idea of pushing a baby out of my body. I hate the idea of what a baby would do to my body. Not every woman needs or wants to pop a baby out every two years. The ONE would understand this. And when or if my biological clock did kick in, the ONE would change a diaper.
3. Sex. The sex has to be good. EveryONE tells you that sex is not the most important thing, that sex can always get better, that you can work on your sexual relationship as a couple. Not true. If the sex sucks from day ONE, nothing will save the relationship. The ONE would do it right. (He would also make me a snack afterwards.)
4. Looks. In order to have good sex, the ONE would have to look good. The two are not mutually exclusive. The ONE would not have to possess bulging muscles and movie star looks, but he would have to meet certain standards. The ONE is never fat. When you are a little girl, dreaming of your wedding, the ONE walking down the aisle does not have a beer gut, nor does the ONE have a receding hairline, nor does the ONE have a face that startles (other people’s) babies. The ONE cannot be unattractive.
5. Commitment. The ONE better be able to make a goddamned commitment. I do not want any wishy-washy dithering from the ONE about how he feels. After six or so dates, the ONE and I would become monogamous. After a year, the ONE would ask me to move in. After a year and a half, the ONE would propose. After two and a half years, the ONE would meet me at the end of the aisle for a wedding with all the trimmings.

I have done the math. If I meet the ONE tomorrow, I will be married just before my twenty-sixth birthday. The ONE had better get his ass in gear.

All kidding aside, I am so so so happy for my friends who are getting married and I wish them nothing but happiness, beauty, and wonderful, love-filled lives and marriages.